Small Acts, Beautiful Shifts

Simple Self-Compassion for When You Need It Most

It may be that the most healing thing we do along our life journeys is learning to relate to ourselves with more kindness, forgiveness, and even love.

I was really moved this week by Forrest Hanson’s Being Well podcast interview with Dr. Chris Germer, psychology professor at Harvard and the co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion program along with Dr. Kristin Neff. So I’m sharing what I loved most, AND my real-life suggestions for what the strategies can actually look like when you most need them.

Here’s the LINK to the podcast. Highly recommend!

I want to start by noting my intention here with the Basic Goodness articles, which comes from something I realized about a year ago: There are simply too many things on the menu when it comes to personal growth and the world of healing and wellness. Too many for me, anyway. Like when you sit down in a restaurant and get so overwhelmed by all the options that maybe you can’t even figure out what kind of nourishment you wanted in the first place. (Thai? Japanese? Just some dessert? Just water?!?!).

The number of times I’ve acquired a new book, online course, whatever it is and then not finished it - not because it wasn’t great but because, after the initial excitement or hopefulness had worn off, I was faced with the fact that there I was trying to learn yet another system. Every one of them has a different roadmap, even though they’re ultimately aimed at helping us get to the same destination, where we feel more ease in ourselves and more wellness and empowerment in our lives. Each one of them has new terminology to learn, and a different method to teach us how to feel better and be better.

But for many of us, self-compassion has to come first.

Even if the term makes you cringe a bit, I hope you’ll bear with me here. It is the foundation allowing for real healing and personal growth. If we can weave it through all the things we’re doing to enrich our lives and find a greater sense of wellness and strength, things fall into place much more easily.

Here’s the link to last week’s intro article, describing how I became so devoted to this topic.

So here are what I see as the five most important takeaways, and I’ll briefly explain the main points about each and then share some examples of how these tools can be applied in real life. (Hint: My favorite one is #5, so I hope you’ll make it to the end. I didn’t put it there to be sneaky; the other parts sort of needed explanation first!)

1. A big misconception is that practicing self-compassion can make our painful emotions go away and we consider it useless when it doesn’t immediately “work”. The truth is that we practice self-compassion in order to be present with ourselves in a loving manner during those painful emotions, which then allows healing to be possible. What Dr. Germer calls the “core paradox of practice” is that it’s not meant to manipulate how we feel. “What we resist persists, and what we can feel we can heal.” When old wounds and strong emotions come up, remember that this is actually a sign of healing and a fundamental part of the process. But see #2 for an important caveat!

Putting it into action: During a hard time when painful emotions are stirred up, before you tune in and find some self-compassion using any of the suggestions in this article, you might remind yourself, “I’m struggling and right now I need to give myself some kindness, even if that doesn’t make the pain go away. Every moment of caring for myself is healing. Things will keep shifting, little by little.”

2. Here’s the caveat to #1: Something called “backdraft” is common when beginning to work with self-compassion intentionally. It’s when we’re telling ourselves we’re worthy of compassion, and then our mind spits out all the reasons we’re actually not worthy. So it’s helpful to understand that this is how compassion actually heals us, when we can meet what arises with kindness and mindfulness, and hold it in a warm and understanding way. But remember that it is absolutely OK to slow things down. In the therapy world, we call this titrating, a term that you might remember from chemistry class. Basically, little bits at a time. Never force yourself to stay with emotions or sensations if you start to feel overwhelmed.

Putting it into action: The most compassionate thing you can do for yourself is to practice checking in on whether or not what you’re doing feels helpful or whether it’s beyond your current zone of safety to the point where you feel even worse. And if that’s the case, then ask yourself, “What would feel genuinely supportive to me right now?” Which leads to #3:

3. Self-compassion can be just as effective in the form of concrete actions as it is in the form of kind thoughts and staying present with what you’re experiencing. Dr. Germer and Dr. Neff like to distinguish between “fierce” self-compassion, which involves taking action, and “tender” self-compassion, which is talking to ourselves in kind, supportive ways to help us get through a hard moment. If you’re feeling too overwhelmed by tough emotions to believe any kind words you might try to say to yourself, a self-compassionate action is always a safe bet that won’t increase backdraft.

Putting it into action: When you need some kindness, ask yourself, “What do I need to hear right now?” Then if you notice resistance when you say those things to yourself, ask instead what type of activity would feel the best right now. You need something soothing? You might take a bath, cuddle with a pet, cozy up under a soft blanket and read or rest. (I find doing a load of laundry can be very soothing!) Reassuring? You might reach out to a trusted loved one, read old journal entries if that’s your thing. Inspiring? Maybe an uplifting book or article. Empowering? Maybe practice some affirmations, or do something you know you’re pretty good at. Cathartic? Dance around your living room, make wild art, go for a run or power walk, do some free writing with no editing. Anything that feels within reach.

4. Mindfulness is a crucial part of self-compassion, but the kind of mindfulness that is fundamentally infused with some warmth. It took me a long time to really appreciate this, and I so wish I’d understood sooner that it was counterproductive for me to try to practice mindfulness without kindness. For years I practiced the neutral, nonjudgmental observer and tried to access it when I was suffering. But I’ve realized that my experience of this neutral observer was a lot like the babies in the still face experiments in the 1970s – when they were suddenly met by a mother who’d been instructed by the researchers to wear a totally neutral expression on her face, it freaked the babies out and they were beside themselves with confusion and fear. When I am struggling, I need to feel like I’m being held with care and concern, unconditionally. I need to observe my experience with “loving awareness,” not just as a neutral observer.

Putting it into action: Dr. Germer describes using “anchoring” or stabilizing awareness to tap into a sense of calm, by doing something like feeling the soles of your feet or the rhythm of your breath or finding something beautiful in the room to look at. I love anchoring as a first step, because it helps us get out of an activated fight-or-flight state when we’re feeling strong emotions. And then I ask myself where I’m feeling the distress in my body, because the mind and body are far more connected than we always realize, and it can be a lot less upsetting to work with the physical experience we’re having versus all the thoughts racing through our brains. Which leads to #5, my favorite!

5. Kind TOUCH may be one of the most powerful, yet simple, things you can do for yourself when you’re feeling out of sorts. Studies show that its effects on our physiology are no different from when we receive kind touch from another person whom we trust. The feel-good hormones increase and the stress hormones decrease, so we feel calmer, more relaxed, safer, and even more loving towards ourselves. It can shift everything.

Putting it into action: When you’re on a wild ride with your inner critic or difficult emotions, try any form of self-touch that feels gentle and comforting: a hand on your heart or on your cheek, wrap your arms around yourself in a hug, gently stroke your arms, place your hands on your belly (especially if a lot of your emotions cause an upset tummy, which is super common). As a bonus, you might want to whisper a message to yourself out loud or in your head, whatever it is you find yourself longing to hear: It’s OK, honey. This will pass. You’re doing the best you can. It makes sense for you to feel this way. This feels hard because it is hard. You will get through this…

Maybe you’d like to ponder this question: If I were to give myself more compassion, how might that shift the ways I’m experiencing my biggest challenges right now?

I’m so happy that you’re here and trying to be kinder to yourself. Life is hard enough, and the world desperately needs more people who are actively working on growing the amount of love we can circulate, don’t you think? I would be thrilled to hear your comments about something that’s helping you grow your self-compassion!

And thank you to

Forrest Hanson

! Here’s his Substack link.