CHOCOLATE and my Inner Critic

It’s often in those moments when we’re being hardest on ourselves that cravings come on strong.

My dear friend, chocolate, I fear I’m betraying you by writing this. Maybe you are a divine elixir from the goddess, as millions of people would probably attest. Rich dark chocolate, bitter and earthy with just a hint of sweetness, you were my drug of choice for a long time. You were more than that, dear chocolate - you were a food group for me. I needed you. Thank you for always being there for me.

During the long period I’ll call my chocolate era, it was my #1 go-to when I wanted an immediate boost in physical energy and mental clarity, and it just made me feel better emotionally.

And for a long time I needed that boost just about every day. Why? Because when I felt a dip in my energy during the years when I was pushing myself to go, go, go all day, far beyond the limits of my nervous system, an inner critic voice would start to tell me that slowing down was unacceptable. Slowing down meant my insane to-do list might not get completed that day. But worse than that, slowing down meant I might have to face some truths about myself and my life, which would have required changes that I wasn’t ready to make back then.

I wasn’t ready to face the fact that I’m simply not built to go, go, go. Some people’s batteries not only get drained more slowly than mine, they actually get recharged by staying active and engaging with people all day. What I didn’t know then is that I’m a pretty extreme introvert¹, highly sensitive², and empathic to the point where I feel everybody’s energy in the space around me.

So I need way more down time than I used to get. I love connecting with people and being a wellness coach, I love my family and my close friends. But back during my big chocolate days, I wasn’t getting enough quiet and stillness. I was working a job that demanded far more of me than I had to give while parenting a young child with scary medical issues plus many of my own.

I also need community, and for several years that was missing in a big way, and my inner critic was telling me it was my fault I wasn’t finding my people in the city I’d moved to. It seems a little crazy that we’d blame ourselves for not having everything in our lives figured out, but I can see now that many people kinda do it all the time. Especially those of us who were molded into perfection-seeking people-pleasers, and take on the responsibility for everyone else's happiness to the point where we have no energy left to sustain our own.

So I also believed it was my fault I was getting so stressed by my job and all the demands of my life. My fault I felt anxious and not sleeping well, and that my gut was always in knots. My fault I didn’t feel stronger. The inner critic told me I “should know better” (have you seen that meme where SHAME stands for Should Have Already Mastered Everything?!) – especially as a therapist myself.

Back in my chocolate era, I saw no way out of the conditions that were so overwhelming. My inner critic made sure I kept doing everything that was expected of me, and made sure I never gave more than a passing thought to the notion of making changes that would help me feel less burned out. Because that could be risky. The critic wanted to make sure that I’d keep up the façade of normality and OK-ness and forget about any urges to take off my mask and honor what my true Self really needs.

So when I felt uneasy and my inner critic was letting me have it, chocolate took the edge off and lifted me up, for a little while.

But eventually I got so unbelievably tired of ignoring my soul’s longings in order to meet the demands of a life that didn’t line up with who I truly am. It became imperative that I redesign my life in ways that made me feel alive and vital, and find my spark again.

I found an amazing therapist who helped me release a lifetime of undeserved shame for the choices I’d made to cope with always feeling different, and this was around the same time that mountains of information started coming out about neurodivergence. I started to understand aspects of how I’m wired that explained so much and helped me suddenly see how normal it was to not feel normal (neurodivergence!).

I started seeking out and finding community - online and in 3D - where I felt real connection and can be my authentic self. I started shifting my work so that it totally aligns with my strengths and passions, and how I connect best with people. And I started prioritizing the things that feed my soul.

And what of my inner critic during all this? It was and is still there, but so is a whole lot more self-compassion. I’ve discovered that it’s not an either-or dilemma at all! Even though our inner critics might never really disappear, we can still cultivate the self-compassion that we need. (Check out last week's article on this.)

If we try ignoring it or banishing it, the voice usually just shouts even louder. We actually want to get to know it, because it’s there for a very well-meaning reason.

Our inner critic is not out to hurt us. It’s a part that’s determined to protect us from humiliation, embarrassment, or rejection. And it’s pretty universal. Because it’s a protective mechanism that evolved along with us, a remnant from times when our earliest ancestors’ survival literally depended on belonging to a tribe. When one of these early humans broke a rule or did something deemed unacceptable, they could be cast out and unlikely to live long on their own. So it became a hard-wired survival instinct to seek belonging and to feel significant fear anytime we see signs or imagine our actions could result in someone disapproving of us, or worse, turning their back on us.

No matter how much personal growth or good therapy or coaching we do, the inner critic doesn’t usually go away for good. It will show up again when we’re taking a risk or thinking about doing something outside our comfort zone. It doesn’t care if we’re fulfilled and excited by our life; it just wants us safe from humiliation, rejection, or embarrassment.³ Maybe it’s more common or more harsh for women, but in my work I’ve heard plenty of men describe their own cruel inner voices.

It doesn’t go away for good, but for me it’s no longer a constant soundtrack that plays in the background as I move through my days. And when it does show up, just being able to recognize that that’s the voice I’m hearing takes away most of its power.

I’ve learned to pull out a chair and invite my inner critic to take a load off. I have silly names for a couple of the most recognizable voices that I’ve gotten to know, and the names help lighten the heaviness of the things they often say. One has been dubbed “Princess Bitchy Pants” and one is the “mean girls peanut gallery!”

I know they’re trying to protect me, so I try to extend some appreciation for their efforts and sometimes even ask what they want me to know, or what they’re afraid of. And then I can respond, “Thanks for looking out for me, but I got this.”

As I’ve learned not to be overly influenced by my inner critic, I’ve gotten better at saying No to things that feel depleting to my energy. I’ve been able to prioritize the things that offer a real hit of joy or inspiration.

I still love you, chocolate – the taste, the smell, the rich creaminess, the delightful jolt of endorphins. I love that you’re a sweet treat, but not full of sugar. You make special occasions even more special. But I don’t want to share my whole life with you anymore. So let’s just be friends.

Thanks for reading! A few questions you might want to ponder:

Do you recognize your own inner critic when it talks to you? What are the times when it gets loudest and hardest to ignore? What might you do more of or less of in your life without that voice influencing you?

1. If you haven’t yet come across Susan Cain’s amazing book about introversion, you might want to check out Quiet: the Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, and she has a Substack.

2. Dr. Elaine Aron has done a lot of research on Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s). Her website has a ton of great information.

3. Tara Mohr’s incredible book Playing Big (written for women, but her inner critic methods apply to anyone) offers some perspectives and strategies. You might also enjoy Dan Harris’s 10% Happier podcast interview with Dr. Kristin Neff, called Kryptonite for the Inner Critic